The Rainbow Theory

Preface

In true artist/writer fashion, I would like to preface this piece of work with an explanation. I have struggled with my mental health for years. I have had bouts of depression and have struggled significantly with anxiety for years. I think it is incredibly unfortunate that I, along with many others, experience these feelings and can't openly talk about it. The concept of despising life, wanting to die, or having a fear of what's to come is so frowned upon, and quite a taboo topic. I have found, in the years that I have struggled with mental health, that it is incredibly beneficial to openly talk about it with hopes of receiving some advice or relating to one another and not feeling so alone. I have been able to rationalize my mental illness, so in the times that I am not thinking so rationally or logically, I recognize it and act upon it by writing it out and explaining how I'm feeling. This project is the result of some of my darkest moments- the moments where I was trying to make sense of the thoughts in my brain and put them into words and voice what so many people feel every day. It's not pretty, and it's not gentle, but it's honest. Mental illness is real. My reality is that some days I wake up and hate the world. Some days I have no motivation, no drive, and no will to live. And many other people feel the same way! But there are also days that I love life. There are days that I am able to see the beauty in things and appreciate the world. I have found ways to cope and ways to realize when I'm having a particularly difficult day, and can take steps to bring myself to a better mindset. I hope that by being so brash and open about my feelings, I can help someone else realize they are not alone, and give my perspective on life with mental illness- the good and the bad. From the deepest depths of despair to days of finding hope, this is "The Rainbow Theory", poems paired with pictures to portray a small portion of my journey with mental illness. Take what you need from it, and pass it on. Talk about mental illness. Lift each other up. Learn to appreciate the role darkness plays in creating your rainbow.

Last Words

This is my goodbye letter

My final soliloquy

I don’t have many requests

Just be sure to share my story

A young girl full of sunshine

With light beaming from her face

“We never saw this coming”

Is what I’m sure they’ll all say

All along, I was drowning

Suffering behind closed doors

Terrified of my own thoughts

And fighting an endless war

I’ve been seeking out fresh air

Calling out to no avail

I’ve considered this before

I’m just terrified to fail

I’ll make it quick, don’t worry

No longer will I suffer

And in my final moments

I’ll hope this makes you tougher

You’ll ask yourselves “How could she?”

I just hope you understand

This wasn’t my intention

But they have the upper hand

The demons, to clarify

Are now in total control

For they’ve drained the happiness

From my heart, my mind, and soul

They’ve convinced me this is best

And no one’s said otherwise

It seems as though a smile

Is a convincing disguise

It’s hard to find the right words

To explain what I’m feeling

I don’t wish to make this worse

By being too revealing

Just know that all my organs

Are surely as black as tar

And the devil found a home

In my cold and broken heart

If my brain were to be searched

You would see inside my mind

An ocean full of questions

Whose answers I couldn’t find

My skin’s surely been clawed at

As darkness tried to pry free

My body’s been a temple

For evil debauchery 

I meant it when I confessed

I can’t last another day 

The only comfort I received

Was a weak “you’ll be okay”

I need a support beam 

For someone to understand

I can’t do this all alone

Someone needs to hold my hand

We need much more awareness

Directed towards mental health

So thoughts like mine aren’t taboo

And young adults can find help

But for me, it’s far too late

All of the stars have burnt out

The storm clouds will never clear

And the wind drowns out my shouts

I know that I’ve fought strongly

And with all remaining hope

By writing this parting note

Someone else will learn to cope

Conversation

Allow me to remind you

How incompetent you are 

And everyone’s aware 

Laughing at you from afar 

You haven’t left your bed

The time is creeping past noon

At least you haven’t cried today 

Oh! Spoke too soon 

Your homework’s been neglected 

You never go to class 

Don’t even bother anymore 

You’re not smart enough to pass 

You hardly ever shower 

And your room is a disaster 

Come on, get a grip 

You’re now a self-destruction master 

You really need some exercise 

You’re looking pretty rough 

Oh, and here’s your little reminder 

That you’ll never be good enough 

Did I mention that you’re lazy? 

And no one loves you anymore 

You’re pathetic, useless, worthless 

Stop searching for open doors 

The sunlight doesn’t phase me 

Drinking water won’t kick me out 

Go on, try some healthy habits 

See if you can fight my doubt 

Oh darling, I’m afraid 

That you’re stuck with me for good 

Now lie back down with me, poor thing 

Looks like you did the best you could 

Conversation Pt. 2 

I’m exhausted 

Please stop drowning me 

Every time I regain composure 

You throw yourself in front of me 

Forcing me to trip 

Every door I discover 

Has been locked and barred 

By your devious hands 

You rip the air from my lungs 

And load my shoulders with self-doubt 

You’ve shackled me to despair 

And force-fed me these formidable thoughts

Please loosen your grip

What did I do to deserve this? 

I was unaware my cries for help 

Were falling upon your hateful ears

I didn’t ask to be strangled 

By hands full of anguish and desperation 

I didn’t send out an invitation 

For you to invade my permeable brain 

And consume every peaceful thought 

The Storm

A raging storm is brewing beneath my bones

Rumbling

Ready to wreak havoc on my anatomy 

Each breath becomes lightning 

Fast and piercing 

Striking my lungs 

Thunder comes rolling in 

Shaking my every nerve 

Rattling my frame 

Predicting a downpour 

My foot taps out the pitter patter 

Of the beginning drizzle of raindrops 

The approaching clouds swallow the sunlight 

Darkening the skies 

Stripping the world of warmth 

The wind starts screaming in my ears 

Drowning out the peaceful tune of reality 

And suddenly 

I’m drowning in the 

Floodwaters of overthinking 

Drowning 

Amidst a moment 

When breathing became a chore 

I convinced myself 

Life was pointless anymore 

A combination 

Of salty tears and warm sweat 

Saturate my sheets- 

Depression is animate 

I squeezed my eyes shut 

Folded my hands on my chest 

I cried for some God, 

Any God, to please bring me rest 

I begged the heavens 

Would reveal to me the beauty 

This world can display 

Help me feel not so empty 

Lend a loving hand 

Pull me out of misery 

Assure my tired eyes 

They have so much more to see 

But can I push on? 

Do I wish to anymore? 

My existence proves 

To be painful, without cure 

I’m clinging to life 

Grasping at remaining hope 

Searching for answers 

And successful ways to cope 

Isolation 

How absolutely devastating 

And completely horrifying it is 

That after so few years on this earth 

I’m terrified to build a relationship 

Other than one with myself 

Out of fear of more betrayal 

Or the possibility of heartbreak 

Beyond nervous that everyone 

On this vast and twisted planet 

Will feed me lies 

Leave me abandoned 

Stunt my growth 

Nullify my existence 

Trample me over 

Take full advantage 

Ripping pieces of me 

From my tired bones 

In fact, I reckon 

I’m much better off on my own 

Temple 

I scan my foreign figure 

With lethargic eyes and 

Shudder with trepidation 

At the wreckage of my 

Once cherished temple 

Dry, cracking skin 

Blistering heels 

Bruised knees and shins 

Parched lips 

Gnawed-on nails 

Oil-soaked hair strands 

Drooping eyelids 

Donned with heavy bags 

Yellowing teeth 

Unkempt brows 

Slept-in contacts 

Days-old clothes 

This body I once loved 

And tended to routinely 

Has become unrecognizable 

Decaying from the inside 

Fears

I crave childhood innocence and simplicity

The days when fears were so easily overcome

Because you can ease your fear of the dark 

By simply switching on the light 

A fear of heights is carefully avoided 

By staying on ground level 

Spiders are effortlessly evaded when 

Your eyes are peeled for them 

And snakes have not proven to be 

A pressing concern in my daily routine 

But how do I avoid the fear 

Of never discovering my passion? 

How do I keep the worry of losing 

Everyone I care about from consuming me? 

How do I steer clear of the unnerving feeling 

That everyone will grow tired of me? 

Where’s the switch to turn off 

The fear that I’ll feel empty forever?

I’d dwell in a pitch black room 

One hundred stories high 

Crawling with the most haunting spiders 

And overrun with blood-curdling snakes 

In fact, I’d welcome the darkness 

And embrace the reptiles and arachnids 

If it meant the fear of never being good enough 

Slithered away with them in the end 

I’d almost beg the once-feared monsters 

To reside under my bed again 

If they’d remove the suffocating blanket 

Of always feeling alone from my body 

Nowadays, I have quite high hopes 

That ghosts will materialize 

And maybe advise me not to fear 

That I’m traveling in the wrong direction 

Because the lights don’t just flip on 

In my dark and murky brain anymore 

The elevator to the ground floor 

Of my anxieties has been broken 

And no one ever teaches us how to navigate 

The relentless waters of our truest, 

Most horrifying, alarming, and chilling 

FEARS 

Serotonin Diet 

Producer, consumer 

I am one, you are the latter 

Quite a parasitic bond 

As you feast on all that matters 

Go on, sink your teeth in 

To the nourishment I provide 

Lap up all the hormones 

Essential to a healthy life 

You’re not a picky eater 

But I’ve identified your favorites 

That ‘happy’ chemical- 

You appear to really crave it 

So while you munch away 

I’ll attempt to keep you quiet 

By helping you maintain 

A wholesome serotonin diet 

Bruised Heart

Forget a broken heart

Advise me how to heal the bruised

One able to function

But battered from years of abuse 

Not split into pieces 

But surely seen some better days 

One that remains hopeful 

Despite the tears and rips and frays 

A heart still full of love 

For the world and those around her 

But jealous of the care 

Poured into hearts that surround her 

Be careful with my heart 

Though a warrior, still fragile 

She hasn’t won the war 

And this won’t be her final battle 

But nonetheless, she fights 

Becoming stronger over time 

And all will lead to self-love 

So everlasting and divine 

I Want to Be Alive

I stay alive 

To watch the stars dance 

In the eyes of those I love 

To hear the music 

In an authentic laugh 

To rush out into the rain 

And soak up the universe 

As it drops onto my skin 

To witness sunlight 

Marry the storm clouds 

And produce a glorious rainbow 

Reminding me of 

The truest beauty that arises 

From the contribution 

Of darkness and light